Forging Ahead

I just went a week without writing. I had managed to go almost four whole weeks and then I stopped. My inability to stick with anything is one of the biggest issues in my life and seems to permeate through everything I do. I had been so proud of myself for making it the almost four weeks. I even knew what I was going to write about to celebrate four weeks. I just couldn’t do it.

The biggest reason for my lapse is that last Friday, my Hubby lost his job of eight years. He had been laid off four weeks this summer, which has never happened before. We could see the writing on the wall but were still hoping the company would make it through this rough spell. Am I bitter?  Yes. The man who owns this company is a programming genius but can’t run a business to save his life. He ran it right into the ground and, after eight years, my Hubby got the shaft because of someone else’s failings. At this point, there are only two employees that we are aware of who kept their jobs, one being an uber-weenie. You know the type, the suck-up who always has the boss’s ear and can do no wrong. His sob story is that he has a new baby. So because we don’t have kids we should be penalized? I call bullshit. The other employee who kept their job is a kid who likes to come to work “high on the Mary Jane” (nerdy pot reference) and has had porn found all over his work laptop. However, he’s also the person who will never ask for a raise or expect anything from the company because he’s very content with the way things are. He has no ambitions. So hence, Hubby is unemployed.

I lost my “real” job last November and, in May, began spending a couple days a week staying with the elderly mother of my cousin’s wife. I get paid eight dollars an hour to do it. I am extremely appreciative of the job even though, oddly enough, I still consider myself unemployed. I really enjoy the time I spend with this lovely woman and it isn’t something I dread doing. It’s a very easy job and I spend my days sitting on her couch either watching daytime T.V. with her or reading my Kindle until she needs to go to the bathroom, I have to get her medications for her, or prepare her lunch. I chat with her and I think she finds me somewhat amusing. I’ve always had a knack with the elderly. Dare I say, I find some aspects of this job rewarding. However, all I can think is that I am forty years old and am making eight dollars an hour. I am such a loser. This isn’t what I want to do when I grow up.

With the loss of Hubby’s job has come even more stress and uncertainty of the future. With my eight dollar an hour, non-full-time job being our main source of income, along with the measly amount Hubby is getting for unemployment, things are really, really tight right now. I believe I am exhibiting classic signs of sticking my head in the sand and hoping and praying that everything will miraculously work itself out. However, I know that’s not the case. We had already shut off DirecTV earlier this summer when Hubby started getting laid off. The next utility that will have to go will be the home phone. We have cell phones but had the home phone because we have crappy cell service out here in the boonies. We’ll have to keep the Internet because, honestly, I can survive without T.V. but would go ape-shit without being online, plus Hubby needs it to look for jobs. I can survive on Ramen noodles and water. Luckily it’s summer right now, so the donkeys and goats are grazing but we’ll have to buy them winter hay before long. If I were to allow myself to think about it for too long, I would probably be (rightfully) panicking.

Another, smaller reason for not writing for the last week is that Hubby is now home. I have mentioned in passing to him that I’ve been writing but didn’t explain what I’m trying to do. He doesn’t know about my website. He thinks I’m just upstairs on the computer writing short stories and doing God-knows-what. It’s fine that he thinks that but with him here all the time, I’m not finding the time I need to write. I’m not yet ready for him, or anyone I know, with one exception, to read what I’m writing. This is my own thing and I’m really enjoying it. For instance, this piece has pretty much written itself and I’m just typing it out. There’s been no effort with this one and, for that, I’m glad. This past week that I haven’t written, I have missed it.

So here I am, hopping back on that horse, which is new for me. Any other time, I would have already given up on my writing and considered it a lost cause. I’m starting back up again even though I had given it up for a short time. Honestly, I consider this to be a monumental occasion. Here’s hoping that I can continue to forge ahead and I won’t let little things, like not writing for a week, cause me to give up altogether. Here’s also hoping I can continue to afford Internet access so I can post what I write. Wish me luck on that one…